yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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