Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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