I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
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