The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just puked most of my soul out..
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
