this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
