just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
