Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
