ya dads aren't the best wingmen
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
