im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
