I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize