Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
