Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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