remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
