I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
