I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
