winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
