I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
