saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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