Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
