Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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