Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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