My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
