Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
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