Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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