yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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