If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
