I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
