They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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