well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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