first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
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