Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
