Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I smell stomach acid.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
