So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
