Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
