Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
