either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
