So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
