you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
