I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
