Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
