I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
