I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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