Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
