i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
