Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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