I hate your face
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
