Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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