Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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