he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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