I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
