There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
