so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
