A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
