I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
