just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
