Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
