I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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