I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
