Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
